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04-06-2014, 05:58 PM | #11 |
Gathering Rangers for D&D
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orgrimmar
Posts: 7,949
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04-16-2014, 02:41 PM | #12 |
Super Sentai Creator
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 67
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I came up with a sea theme before this I think. Ocean sentai searanger.
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04-16-2014, 03:04 PM | #13 |
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Visalia, CA
Posts: 11,080
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Well the difference is that this series only starts out with an Ocean theme. As the title suggests, they shift and "evolve", with their theme eventually becoming land based and sky based animals.
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04-16-2014, 03:05 PM | #14 |
Half-Boiled Lifestyle.
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Bonn, Germany
Posts: 5,623
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04-16-2014, 03:08 PM | #15 |
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Visalia, CA
Posts: 11,080
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We're co-writers . By the way, I'm almost done with episode one, do you want to handle episode two?
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04-17-2014, 01:16 AM | #16 |
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Visalia, CA
Posts: 11,080
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Episode 1: Eh?! Evolution?! “Ugh…” “Hey, get up.” “5 more minutes…” “I said get up!” As the covers were pulled off his head, Michael saw Mirni looking at him with an apron on and a spatula in hand. “We have to get ready for our gig! It took a lot of calls for Reggie to help us out, and he’s already there starting on his shift! Now come on, I prepared breakfast.” “Yes dear.” Getting up from the bed, Michael looked around their room. Super Sentai and Kamen Rider stuff everywhere, as far as the eye can see. Didn’t help that their room was smaller than expected. In fact, there was barely any space for them to move around. “So this is life in America, huh?” Getting dressed, Michael left the room and sat at the table, quickly grabbing a plate of pancakes. “Smells good Mirni.” “Thanks sweetie, now eat up, we gotta rush down.” “Um...where are we rushing down to?” “The Aquarium.” “Oh, I see...wait, aquarium?” “Yes, Reggie got us a job there. You know how much we have to pay for rent here. I mean it was good enough that Reggie managed to cover us for the first few months, but now we really have to pay him back, you know?” “Yeah, I understand. But why the aquarium? Why not that store we worked at last week?” “Apparently, there was a girl he was interested in, but then she rejected him, so…” Michael looked at her and immediately could tell what happened. “I see...well, we might as well go down now.” “What about breakfast?” “We can eat it on the way!” “Um, Michael, Reggie took the car this morning.” “So that means…” ___ “Yahoo!!!” “Why didn’t he take the motorcycle?!” “He wanted to make sure he could store our uniforms in the trunk!” “One question though, Mirni.” “Yes dear?” “WHY ARE YOU DRIVING?! YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO STEER A MOTORCYCLE!” “Aw come on, it’s easy!” “WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!” “HEY UP YOURS!...See sweetie, I’m alright,” Mirni said with a smile. “EYES ON THE ROAD! EYES ON THE ROAD!” ___ Dismounting off of the motorcycle, the couple walked towards Reggie’s car. “Good thing we have his keys.” Clicking the remote, the two opened the trunk and saw that there were aquatic animal costumes within. “Are you kidding me?” “Well, he said it was a mascot job...Do you want to be the otter or the seagull?” Sighing, the two of them picked one and quickly ran to the bathrooms to change. Coming out, the two couldn’t help but laugh at how the other looked. “Wonder what Reggie is dressed as.” “Oi!” Hearing his voice, the two turned around to see a man in a penguin suit running towards them. “Oh hey Mumble.” “Haha. Well come on guys, we gotta go do a show!” “A show? I thought you said we were just going to be mascots?!”” “Well yeah, mascots perform!” *Ten minutes later…* “Ow! Ow! Ow!” “Darn kids! Stop throwing stuff at us!” “Where’s Reggie?!” “I saw a bunch of those kids push him into the starfish tank!” Hiding behind a wall, they sighed and took off their costume helmets. “Ugh...who knew that being a seagull was so hard?” “So this is where you two are.” Looking up, they saw Reggie, his face drenched and his hair in disarray. “You okay?!” “Yeah yeah, but...we got fired.” “What?!” “Why?!” “Said that we were supposed to endure everything but…” “You snapped at a kid, didn’t you?” “He kicked me in my penguin eggs, how else was I supposed to act?” “Well damn, that’s it then, we’re losing our apartment.” “So we didn’t get anything out of this?” said Mirni with a sad look on her face. “Well, for at least working, they said we have free admission in here for the rest of the day.” “Well that’s just great, we have a day to spend in an aquarium before the landlord kicks us out of our home.” “Michael! Reggie, thank you for letting us stay with you for so long.” “It was no problem Mirni. So how about we all just go around and-” “Look out!” “Huh?” Reggie suddenly found someone kneeing him in the stomach as they both fell over. “Ow…” “I’m sorry, are you okay?” *A girl? Wow, that was a heavy impact…* “Yeah, I’m fi-” Reggie stopped himself in mid sentence as he looked at her. Silver hair, flowing in the wind of the air conditioning. Bright blue eyes and pale skin. A silver dress with gloves and boots, this young woman standing in front of him left Reggie saying only one word. “Beautiful…” “Eh?” Suddenly, a loud noise filled the room as footsteps were heard. “I’m sorry, but can you lot please help me?” “Help you?” “I’m being chased, I need to hide.” “Um…I don’t know if we ca-” “Of course we will,” Reggie said, grabbing her hands. “So quick!” “Come on guys, and Miss-” “Shinka,” she said bowing. “Gotcha. Okay, lets go!” Holding onto her hand, Reggie bolted across the hall as Michael and Mirni tried to follow. From behind, they heard screaming. “What’s chasing you?!” “Aliens.” Coming to a screeching halt, Reggie stopped and fell forward, rolling on the ground, hitting a trashcan. Getting up and dusting himself off, Reggie walked over to her and held her shoulders. “Come again?” “Zyehahaha, so Shinkarion, we have finally caught up with you!” Looking to where the voice was coming from, the group saw a monstrous looking creature, his appearance could be equated to a monstrous miner. “I, the great Kōzan-sama will take you in! Come here! Suiheis!” From behind the monster came out several other monsters with the appearance of monstrous sailors, each armed with guns shaped like jackhammers. “Give us your henshin devices!” “Henshin devices?” “Mou! No! Blegh!” Shinka said, sticking her tongue out at him. “What?!...Fine then, Suiheis, get her!” “Excuse me, you lot!” “Yes, Shinka?” “Will you transform and fight for me?” “...EH?!” *Commercial Break* “Transform for you?” “Yes! Please, take these Henshin Keitai EvoPhones!” “Henshin Keitai EvoPhones?” “You realize ‘phone’ is used twice in that name, right?” “And if you’re an alien, why is the name in Japanese?” “That’s not what matters! Please, take them! Here, red for you, black for you and pink for you.” Taking the strange devices in hand, the group looked at them and fumbled around, pressing random buttons. “Are you going to fight or what?!” said Kōzan, sitting on one of his Suiheis as if it was a bench. “Yeah!...Shinka, how do we use these?” Falling on his face, Kōzan grunted and got up. “Geez, hurry up! I’ll be waiting here!” he yelled, kicking over the Suihei and sitting on a bench. “You see, the EvoPhones will scan something in this place and induce your fighting form!” “Sweet! Now how do we activate it!” “You must say, ‘Evolution!’” “Okay, got it. Ready guys?!” “Ready Michael!” “Ready sweetie!” “Let’s go!” Holding up the EvoPhones, they each lit up and shot a beam out that aimed at something in the aquarium. “Matrix, Evolution!” “Eh?” “Isn’t that from Digimon?” “Come on, just say it!” “Fine.” “Okay then…” “MATRIX, EVOLUTION!” Pressing the button in the center of the EvoPhones, the phones circled around the group as the landed on each of their waists. Suddenly, lights appeared behind them and formed the shapes of animals as the circle the group, forming their armor and then their helmets. “Role call!” “Crushing my foes, Red...Lobster?” *Explosion* “Holy crap!” “Sliding on by, Black...Eel?” *Explosion* “Oh man, that’s loud!” “Staying cute, Pink...Sea Horse? Yay!” *Explosion* “Whoa!” As silence filled the room, the group all turned to Shinka, who was working on a small device. “Um...is there a problem?” Running up to her, Michael and Reggie stopped right in front of her face. “What is this?! I thought I was going to get something cool, like a shark or something?!” “Um...Shinka, is there a way I can switch from this, I like to eat eel, I think there’s a conflict of interest…” “I’m perfectly fine with what I got!” “Mirni, not helping!” “Aw come on, isn’t my suit cute?” Mirni twirled around and did a cute pose, pointing at Michael. “...No comment,” he said, quickly turning his head. “Eh? You’re blushing!” “No I’m not!” “Yes you are!” “How can you tell, I’m wearing a helmet! Plus, I’m red! Not like my suit can blush for me!” “Are you ready to fight yet?!” asked a disgruntled Kōzan, who was eating some cotton candy. “One moment please.” “Fine fine. Hey human, bring me more of this candy of the cotton!” Kōzan gestured to the vendor. “Yes sir!” Turning their attention back to Shinka, she nervously fumbled the device before catching it. “I’m sorry everyone, the EvoPhones are linked to this, so I can’t switch you out of those forms until I get it repaired.” “EH?!” Slouching, Michael and Reggie sat on the ground and twiddled their fingers. “I wanted to be cool…” “I’m afraid I’ll want to eat my suit…” “Guys, come on, cheer up. We still have an enemy to beat.” “Oh right. Prepare yourself, Koban!” Michael said as he and the others ran up to him. “It’s Kōzan!” he said, standing up. “Get them!” “Okay Shinka, how do we summon our weapons?!” The group went to her as she was still working on her device, holding their hands out. “...Weapons?” “You mean we don’t have any?!” “Ah, see, this device still hasn’t formatted your weaponry yet. Please hold on a little longer.” “Hold on?!” Turning back towards Kōzan, the group were shocked to see an even larger group of Suiheis coming their way. “Alright team, brace yourselves!” “Michael, uh-” “Hold!” “Sweetie, I think we-” “Hold!” “Okay, we’ll hold!” Bracing themselves, Reggie and Mirni were surprised to see Michael charge toward the enemy at an incredible pace. “Michael!” “Get them!” To their surprise however, Michael ran right past the entire Suihei legion. “DUDES, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!” Dumbfounded, Mirni and Reggie looked at each other and Shinka. Running towards her, Reggie picked her up as Mirni caught up. Running away, they both ran in opposite directions. “Mirni!” “Reggie, if we split up, they won’t be able to catch us!” “Got it! I’ll try to help Shinka fix her device! Text me to let me know where you are!” “Okay!” As he ran, Reggie leapt over civilians as Shinka kept dropping items onto the floor. “What are those?” “Oh, just little cameras. They should help us figure out when the Suiheis are coming our way.” “Well, that’s good. Mirni says she’s with Michael now.” “Well, here! I have the device fixed to allow for weapon calibration! And get ready, they’re coming!” Reggie turned around and charged at the Suiheis. Holding his palms open, Shinka pushed a button on her device, causing something to form in Reggie’s hands. Swinging forward, Reggie heard crackling and saw a long object hit one of the Suiheis in the face. “Eel-Electric!” Reggie said, brandishing his weapons as they wrapped around his arms. “Oooh, a whip weapon. Perfectly effective for hitting foes at a long range.” “Shinka, send the others their weapons!” “Got it!” Pressing the buttons on her device at a rapid rate, Shinka aimed it to the sky. “With this, we can also find out where they are!” A red and pink light flew from the device and went towards the couple. Reaching upwards, Michael could feel something form around his fists as Mirni felt something land in the palm of her hand. “Ready?” “You know it!” Lunging forward Michael hit a Suihei in its face. “Lobster Clamp!” he yelled, squeezing the Suihei’s head. “Sea Horse Shooter!” Mirni said as she leapt up, shooting several of them down. “Are those bubbles?” “Exploding bubbles! See?” “Mirni, don’t!” *Explosion.* “Uh, Shinka… I think I found where they are!” As Reggie and Shinka walked towards them, they found the couple lying face down on the floor, surrounded by defeated Suiheis. “Guys, get up! Kobe is coming!” “It’s Kōzan!!!” The kaijin charged at Reggie and knocked him off of his feet. While in the air, Reggie flipped and kicked the wall, launching himself at Kōzan. The kaijin stared right at Reggie before pulling out his weapon- a highly mechanized pick-axe. Swinging it, he managed to knock Reggie away, causing him to crash through a window. “Reggie!” Running to him, Shinka was stopped by Kōzan grabbing her arm. “Now now, you’re coming with me!” “Let her go!” To his surprise, Reggie had used the Eel-Electric to grasp a railing. “You fool! Suiheis!” Turning to command his troops, Kōzan was shocked to see that his entire brigade had been taken out. “Well, that was a nice nap!” “And a good workout to boot!” “How did you beat my troops?!” “Easy, Koran-” “Kōzan!” “Oh, right. You see, you set yourself up for failure!” “I did?” “Yeah! By leaving things to your subordinates, they didn’t know how to handle things without you! As mooks, you’ve sent them to their graves!” “NO WAY!!!” “Okay, let’s do this again!” “Crushing my foes, RedLobster!” *Explosion* “Sliding on by, BlackEel!” *Explosion* “Staying cute, PinkSea Horse! Yoohoo!” *Explosion* “The Earth’s Guardians, Ever Changing!” “Michael, what are you saying?” “Our catchphrase.” “Oh, continue then.” “Okay, where was I...Oh yeah! The Earth’s Guardians, Ever Changing! Tekiō Sentai...Uh guys, come here for a minute.” Whispering into their ears, Michael then directed them to where they should stand. “Okay, now say it with me! The Earth’s Guardians, Ever Changing! Tekiō Sentai-” “EVORANGER!” Posing dynamically, the group pulled their weapons out and charged, an explosion blazing behind them. “Lobster Clamps!” Michael declared as he punched Kōzan. Opening one of the clamps, Michael grabbed onto Kōzan’s face, spinning him around before punching him with the other clamp. “Eel-Electric!” Sliding behind their foe, the whips latched onto his arms, pulling him down onto the floor. “Shock!” The attack caused volts of electricity to flow through Kōzan, making him flop around before Reggie flung him. “Sea Horse Shooter!” Mirni aimed her firearm at Kōzan, holding her stance. “Ha, those bubbles won’t affect me!” “Charge!” “Huh?” “FIRE!” From the barrel of the Sea Horse Shooter came a large beam of light, burning Kōzan until he was charred. Shaking of the ash, Kōzan used his pickaxe to get up on his feet. “Damn you...You will not defeat me! I am a proud member of the Bio-Robotics Energy Accumulative Space Triad!” “...You do know what that acronym spells, right?” “...Oh, so that’s why they wouldn’t accept my name for our organization...You know what, just call it Bio-Ro! But besides that, I will defeat you, here and now!” Raising his pickaxe, Kōzan swung it onto the ground, cracking it beneath the team. “Look out!” Pushing Shinka out of the way, Reggie fell through. Throwing one of his Eel-Electrics up, Michael caught it and pulled him out. “Hehehe, see? You can’t defeat me! I am the great Kō-” “...Did he just fall through?” “Yup.” “So...we didn’t even need to…” “You know what, Mirni, aim at the hole and charge your blast. Reggie, do the same with your whips.” “Got it!” “Okay dear!” Doing as they were told, Mirni and Reggie stood over the hole. Just as he was climbing up, Kōzan got hit by the blast from the Sea Horse Shooter as the electricity from the EelElectrics surged through his body. “My organization will get re...venge!” *Explosion* “We did it!” Mirni said, hugging Michael. “Excuse me.” In the midst of their celebration, they had forgotten that they had pretty much just destroyed the aquarium. “I hope you can pay for the damages.” “You just fired us today.” “Well then, looks like you will have to just wo-” “Everyone, come with me!” Shinka said, holding her device up to the sky. Suddenly, a large spacecraft appeared in front of the aquarium, pushing cars aside. “My Versa!” “Follow me, let’s get out of here!” *Ten minutes later* “Welcome aboard my ship!” Michael, Mirni and Reggie looked around- the interior was similar to that of an apartment, but on the far side, there were plains of grass and a tree. “That is is the organic bay. You see, my mission is to discover how the life forms of this planet develop. I hope you will all help me with my research! And I heard your little situation. If you wish, you can all live here on the ship with me as long as I’m on Earth!”[COLOR="rgb(47, 79, 79)"] “That would be wonderful! Did you hear that Reggie?...Reggie?”[/COLOR] Mirni watched on as her friend walked over to Shinka, grabbing her hands. “Miss Shinka, how old are you?” Shinka immediately slapped Reggie, but then immediately realized what she had done and ran to get a first aid kit. “I’m sorry, but you don’t ask a woman that! But if you must know...When was the Civil War again?” “EH?!” “What? I’m just asking cause I have that number as my password on my phone. Ah! Forget you heard that! But...I’m 21 in Earth years. Why do you need to know?” To her surprise, Shinka found Reggie immediately hitting the floor, on his hands and knees. “Shinka.” “Yes?” “Please go out with me!” After ten seconds of silence, Shinka tilted her head and had a confused look on her face. “Go out? You wish to be outside?” “No, I mean, go on a date with me!” “...You wish to sit on an Earth fruit?” “Not that kind of date! Don’t you have dates on your planet?” “I’m sorry, but I have no clue what you are talking about.”Falling to his knees again, Reggie found himself patted on the back by Mirni. “You have a long way to go,” said Michael, placing his hand on Reggie’s shoulder. Episode 1 End!
Next Time: GATTAI! EvoJin, Splashing In!
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04-17-2014, 11:42 AM | #17 |
「蝙蝠騎士の魔界<ブラム>」
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Catacombs of Ohio
Posts: 12,794
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Let's start with the positives. First even though it is the first episode I give you three a lot of credit for doing an evolution themed Sentai. It's an idea which I find pretty interesting to do since you mostly only see themes like that in Kamen Rider. So props for doing evolution in Sentai. Secondly it has a bit of an Akibaranger feel to it, which I enjoyed because well, I go gaga over anything Akibaranger and thus like stories that have a bit of the same feel to it. So that's cool.
That is where the positives end. The format is really crappy in my opinion. While everything is broken up into scenes, almost all of them are too short to me. A scene really shouldn't be a paragraph long. That is also a critique I have, why is everything crammed into paragraphs? Dialogue shouldn't be included in one unless it's starting the paragraph off or at the tail end of one. And considering your slamming that stuff in between the detailing of what all is happening, it's pretty bad in my opinion. Also don't just rely on colored sections of text to let the reader know who is talking. Colored text (IMO) should only be used for human characters when they are in the suits, and can be used for villains freely. But for regular old conversations? No. It won't kill you to indicate who is talking without the use of color, the same way it wouldn't kill you to space everything out. The story introduces who everybody important is and does give them their powers. Fine. The action is there and there's a first fight. Cool. The problem? It's all in a jumbled mess because of the way you formatted the bloody thing. It's important for the reader to be able to tell what is going on. They cannot do that when everything is crammed together. My final critique and about 50% of the reason I do not like this (and Modranger) is this: this is nothing but *narcissistic* . If you want to use real life events to go into the world of your story, fine. If you want t give some of your traits to a character, that is fine. But the minute you throw yourself by name as a character in there you lose me. To me that is pointless to do. It's just you guys sitting around and saying "Uhhh let's write a Sentai but it's about us!" Dude you have people alone with the evolution idea. You do NOT need to include yourself and other members in the story. Modranger is worst though since it's a big *display of narcissism* of all of the staff pretty much. So at least this one isn't as big, so I'll sort of give you that. Bad formatting which creates jumbled story and action does not make for good storytelling, especially for a first episode. Combined with a disliking for basically throwing yourself in there for no good reason and you can guess my verdict. Grading it purely based on the episode and everything within it story wise and technical wise, you get a 2.5/10. Throwing in my personal little gripe brings that down to a 2.
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Last edited by Sentai Tamashii; 04-17-2014 at 02:13 PM.. Reason: Language |
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