To the thief who stole my glasses: you can't hide,

I have contacts.

I once took a shell off a snail because I thought it would make it go faster.

If anything it just made it more sluggish.

What do you call a mouse that swears alot?

A cursor.

I heard Santa once flew into a dragon while he was delivering presents.

I guess you could say he sleighed it.

I was writing a letter last night, but I had a wider pen with lots of ink. I sent it anyway.

It was a bold move.

Imagine being trapped by a sentient animal (bear with me here) and your only way to ask for help (bear with me here) is a coded message.

How much does a roof cost?

Nothing. It's on the house.

Ever heard the one about the cheap boat?

It was on sail.

Justice is best served cold.

Because if it was served warm it would be justwater.

How often do planes crash?

Just once.