[Kiwami]

So that CG-animated Dragon Quest movie that's on Netflix... dear lord, I’ve rarely witnessed a movie that went from "Cute" to "Oh my god what have they done" so unbelievably fast. Like, I had to physically wrap my hands around my head in disbelief. I couldn’t fathom what I was seeing.

I will still put it in a spoiler-tag in case someone really wants to see this first (please don’t), but... man. So, 90% of the movie is a semi-faithful adaption of Dragon Quest V. Like, it’s okay. You get some kicks out of seeing the characters and monsters from the game, the music is great ('cause it's from the games) and they do make an effort to cram the entire game into one movie.

Solid fun I’d say. But then... the ending. Holy shit. Just as our heroes fulfill the prophecy and end the threat of Grandmaster Nimzo... the entirety of the movie is revealed to be a VR simulation in which a nostalgic adult who played Dragon Quest V as a kid wants to revisit it with the newest technology. Instead of Nimzo a virus manifests, put there by some asshole hacker who just wants to ruin the experience and tell everyone playing they're "Losers". That's it. The slime monster that traveled the protagonist is revealed to be an antivirus program (I'm not making this shit up I swear) and they defeat the virus. The guy, now aware he's in a game finished it anyways because "It's real to him" and then the movie ends.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Who though this was a good idea? Why? There were more than one guy working on this, right? When did the rest decide it was okay to proceed with this instead of strapping the lunatic who came up with the idea to a chair and whip him with game controller cables until he admits his wrongdoing?

I cannot believe this is real. I don’t want to. They make a Dragon Quest movie that's solid, like innocent fun, nothing award winning - and then they end it like this?

Help. I’m losing it. Someone melt down a copy of Dragon Quest VIII and inject it directly into my bloodstream. Something must be done to make this right. If someone owns a time travel machine, anyone, please go back two hours in time and smash my PC before I can watch this movie. Tell them it would be for my own good for it would be the truth.

And now excuse me while I finish this once innocent Sunday in terror.