TFW2005
Hisstank
Thundercats
TokuNation
Toyark
Home
News
Garo
Godzilla
Kamen Rider
Metal Heroes
Power Rangers
Super Sentai
Ultraman
All News Categories
Forum
News & Rumors
Power Rangers
Kamen Rider
Super Sentai
Other Toku Series
Toys and Collectables
Marketplace
Creative
Galleries
Companies
Bandai Japan
Tamashii Nations
Saban Brands
Bandai America
Toei
Characters
Kamen Rider Ghost
Kamen Rider Specter
Kamen Rider Necrom
Mighty Morphin Green Ranger
Dino Charge Red Ranger
Toylines
S.H. Figuarts
S.H. MonsterArts
DX Mecha
Megazords
Legacy
Shows
Kamen Rider Ghost
Doubutsu Sentai Zyuohger
Power Rangers Dino Supercharge
Power Rangers Movie 2017
TokuNation.com
>
TokuNation
Integration
User Name
Remember Me?
Password
Rules
Register
Members List
Search
Today's Posts
Mark Forums Read
Thread
:
How is Everyone Today- New
View Single Post
04-15-2021, 01:19 PM
#
3291
ShiShiLeo
Suprise Gamma Future
Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 2,852
Pretty cool story here!
I know you used pronouns to be purposefully ambiguous for the story, but there are some other places where it might be helpful to the reader to establish the subject.
In these lines:
1) “If
they
find out the old race is gone,
they
’ll accuse us of ethnic cleansing! Even worse, they’ll use this as an opportunity to take control of Earth! After everything we went through to liberate it from out creators!”
2) “This is a serious blunder! Who’s in charge of security in the trade colony?!?
They
should be interrogated and admonished immediately!!!”
For example 1, I think it would read stronger if the subjects were identified.
If the [
Galactic Inquisition
] discover that the old race is gone...
You can also play a world-building narrative trick here by referring to a similar event in the past with foregone conclusions. So instead of "...take control of Earth" it can be "...begin another purge". Take control of Earth is ambiguous in the grand scheme of things.
In line 2, it is a simpler fix using active voice. "Whoever is in charge of security should be interrogated..."
Lastly, returning to line 1, personally I think the concept of ethnic cleansing is a very human construct. I would consider how another species or highly intelligent group of multi-species would view something that is akin to a false eugenics.
I hope those suggestions didn't come off as harsh or anything! Science fiction short stories that make you ask
What If
have always been my favorite form of media.
__________________
ShiShiLeo
View Public Profile
Send a private message to ShiShiLeo
Find More Posts by ShiShiLeo
TokuNation News & Rumors
Question about the KamenRider_TV Twitch channel
SHIN ZERO: a Graphic Novel for the Rent-a-Sentai Generation
Singer NoB has passed away
Kamen Rider Amazon & Stronger Bluray Announced
Choriki Sentai Ohranger 30th Anniversary
More New Posts
Kamen Rider Die watches SSSS.Gridman and SSSS.Dynazenon
Tokusatsu Roleplay Toys Thread
10 years later: Do y'all still hate Ghost?
Favourite Tokusatsu game?
Recent Purchases: 2025 Master Thread!
Funny Toku Images thread
My own thread linking to my own fanfic.
Do you want to a Wiki page?
Gelshocker and Destron kaijin similarities to Brainrot?
Figure-Rise Standard (Kamen Rider) News & Discussion Thread
Current Poll
How Would You Rate This Episode?
Excellent!
Good
Average
OK
Poor...
»
View Poll Results
»
Comment On This Poll
»
This Poll Has 1 Reply
Search Forums
»
Advanced Search
All times are GMT -5. The time now is
06:08 PM
.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Powered by
vBadvanced
CMPS