[Kamen Rider Die]

KAMEN RIDER FOURZE NET MOVIES - EVERYBODY, IT’S CLASS TIME!



I love Net Movies! They’re an enjoyably ridiculous collection of HBV-style buffoonery, thinly-veiled promotional material, fascinating looks behind the scenes, and a smattering of teasing personal attacks disguised as in-jokes. One of my favorite things about Heisei Phase 2!

The best way to watch these films is slowly, one every few days over the course of several months… so of course, I watched all 28 in two days. IT’S “TOO MANY NET MOVIES IN A ROW” TIME!!!

MONDAY, FIRST PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT LEGENDARY RIDERS #1



The idea of Ichigou being a long-winded, overly-invested mentor is an incredibly pleasant difference from his glowering, judgmental attitude that we’ll get to experience in a couple years via Heisei Vs Showa, and I kind of wish this comedic version was canon. I like Helicopter Grandpa Ichigou! He’s way more fun to think about!

MONDAY, SECOND PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT AGHS STUDENTS #1



This is the Hayami I remember. These Net Movies have an outsized impact on my recollections for everyone’s favorite slowly-deteriorating Principal: him gently referring to a student as a piggy, him trying to convince a student that the Zodiart Switch-themed helmet is an educational tool, him getting wrecked by Leo because Leo thinks it’s funny. Like, this is my guy.

MONDAY, THIRD PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT THE ZODIARTS #1



Wow, zero memory of this set of films! Neat to see Kijima back, and he’s well-suited to play the host of a Horoscope-themed comedy showcase. While he’s right to punish Shun for his terrible pun (and, more likely, the personal attack; dude, do not try and get over on the judges), we didn’t exactly get a winner? I think I’d pick Virgo – just saying Libra Is A Coward got me to laugh out loud, mostly because it’s so blunt and mean. Unexpected response for a comedy showcase, but perfectly in character for Virgo!

MONDAY, FOURTH PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT THE SCORPION LADY #1



…oh my God, there’s nothing here. Did Sonoda have some sort of blackmail on the production team, to get a series of wildly irrelevant Net Movies, charting her canonically unsuccessful attempts to find a new Horoscope, that all happened dozens of episodes ago?! Why would you do this instead of literally any other idea: Ohsugi’s days off! Tachibana’s record collection! Jirou joins a basketball team! Literally any other idea would be a better use of time!

MONDAY, FIFTH PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT SUIT ACTORS #1



Maybe my favorite ones of these videos. I love how lively and engaged and relentlessly goofy the JAE team is – no one becomes a suit actor because they’re boring, you know? They’ve all got fun stories, and manage to constantly surprise Ryuusei with the casual way they talk about pouring boiling water on your head accidentally, or that each actor is responsible for detonating the gunpowder taped to their bodies. I would seriously watch a full half-hour version of this show on a regular basis.

TUESDAY, FIRST PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT AGHS STUDENTS #2



Oh, right! Hayami’s a creepy pervert in this one! Another iconic and non-canonical thing that definitely and forever colored my perceptions of this character!

TUESDAY, SECOND PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT LEGENDARY RIDERS #2



The return of Riderman, and his elegant mouth! Not much to this one, but I really enjoyed the close-up of Rope Arm and Magic Hand doing the friendship handshake, mostly because I could imagine the two crew members who were operating those props from off-camera, and everyone on set laughing their asses off at it.

TUESDAY, THIRD PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT SPACE IRONMEN #1



Promotional material for the summer movie! I knew it was in here somewhere. While the narrative or dramatic/comedic value is low (there’s maybe two jokes, not counting Yuuki’s quick song), I honestly enjoy the little Toei Toku history lessons when they crop up in ancillary materials. The diegetic nature of Tachibana showing old toku clips… very fun!

TUESDAY, FOURTH PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT THE SCORPION LADY #2



Terrible! Boring! Pointless! MOVING ON!

TUESDAY, FIFTH PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT THE ZODIARTS #2



Is Shun the least funny member of the KRC? He’s definitely smug enough to think he’s funny, even with all the evidence pointing to the contrary. (I didn’t really care for this installment, but I like thinking about the ways in which Shun is uncool.)

WEDNESDAY, FIRST PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT THE ZODIARTS #3



My favorite thing about this series of sketches – which are, otherwise, kind of a slog – is that Shun’s jokes aren’t just unfunny, they’re incorrect. It’d be one thing for the writer to give just some cornball joke, but the ones he gets are also factually inaccurate, which is realistically more offensive to a comedian like Kijima. Like, dude’s got a regular human hand! It’s right there! Your premise is flawed!

WEDNESDAY, SECOND PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT SUIT ACTORS #2



Just your normal stories of knocking yourself unconscious for a better shot, or dealing with your crippling fear of heights while Ishida tells you to jump around more on a roller coaster. Pretty standard stuff!

WEDNESDAY, THIRD PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT LEGENDARY RIDERS #3



First, can we please talk about Tomoko’s adorable movie outfit? She’s like a chubby-cheeked Lara Croft, and it's incredibly distracting, but in a good way. If I’m forced to talk about something else – how dare you, I thought we were all Team Tomoko over here – I liked Gentraou being slowly but kindly destroyed by the Kamen Rider franchise’s version of the Eighth Doctor. Shin is not built for friendship!

WEDNESDAY, FOURTH PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT SPACE IRONMEN #2



Kengo’s stern rebuke to JK’s admission of breakfast avoidance actually busted me up, full-on laugh. Otherwise, it’s more toku flashback stuff (good!) and another Yuuki song (dull!), all of which adequately filled up the time.

WEDNESDAY, FIFTH PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT AGHS STUDENTS #3



Imagine working on a show like Fourze for a year as a background actor, and then getting the call to do a three-minute Net Movie where you get a name, a personality, and a little defining moment to yourself. That’s sweet, and another reason why I miss these Net Movies.

THURSDAY, FIRST PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT SPACE IRONMEN #3



God, this one got bleak! The KRC without Gentarou is a pretty defeated and defeatist ensemble!

THURSDAY, SECOND PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT AGHS STUDENTS #4



I love that there’s legitimate continuity to this ridiculous series of films. Hayami’s Leo-inflicted injuries visibly pile up, sure, but Hayami also gets increasingly weary and resigned to both his failures and their accompanying humiliations. Again, this is my guy!!!

THURSDAY, THIRD PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT SUIT ACTORS #3



Takaiwa’s just like Okay Eitoku with a snort, which is adorable. These guys have known each other forever, and it shows. Beyond that, just a great look at how suit actors collaborate (or don’t!) with face actors and voice actors to try and develop a character piecemeal. The Virgo stuff was the most interesting to me, the symbiosis of the suit actor making choices, the voice actor adding their take, and then the suit actor refining their choices off of what the voice actor chose. Really fascinating stuff!

THURSDAY, FOURTH PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT THE SCORPION LADY #3



I wish I had been sent to the Dark Nebula instead of watching these Sonoda films! Save me, Virgo!

THURSDAY, FIFTH PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT LEGENDARY RIDERS #4



The extended confusion over multiple Tachibanas and multiple Kousei Amanos is one of my all-time favorite Kamen Rider gags. (Easily in my Top 5.) Even before I watched Blade, this Net Movie cracked me up, and it’s even funnier now alongside Amano’s return to the franchise through both Outsiders and Zeztz. This, and the Grease/Otoya stuff from the last Heisei Generations movie, are so nice. I like when the filmmakers can joke about how there are only five actors and seven names in all of Kamen Rider!

FRIDAY, FIRST PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT AGHS STUDENTS #5



Say what you will about this installment’s lazy reliance on body-shaming (it’s beneath the production team), but I found Bobuta’s workout dance to be remarkably calming and zen-like. I can’t vouch for its effectiveness as exercise, but it was relaxing to watch. Maybe not for Leo and Libra, though!

FRIDAY, SECOND PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT SPACE IRONMEN #4



I love that several videos built around concocting a strategy to defeat the Kyodain end up with Maybe These People We Know Are Based On Characters From A 1976 Tokusatsu Series And Will Help Us. (What, the omelet rice part didn’t generate enough combat options?) Tachibana was maybe not a ton of help overall, largely recapping the contents of a 40-year old TV show that will not be heavily referenced in the current summer movie. At least he got to enjoy some gravity for a little bit?

FRIDAY, THIRD PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT THE ZODIARTS #4



You never know in these Net Movies where the bizarre production details are going to crop up – was not expecting to learn in the Horoscope comedy showcase that Kia Asamiya specifically designed the Aquarius Horoscope to have larger breasts than the Virgo Horoscope. Easily the funniest joke in this installment!

FRIDAY, FOURTH PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT LEGENDARY RIDERS #5



Again, boy, can we please just talk about Tomoko’s adorable W cosplay?! They shoulda cast that lady in every revival, and the world was sadly robbed of the sight of her as a series of chubby-cheeked Legendary Riders in Zi-O. Also, hey, Accel! I love that suit!

FRIDAY, FIFTH PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT THE SCORPION LADY #4



Totally pointless in the end – a bunch of short films that feel like the first scenes you cut in an episode that isn’t working – but I did like that it concluded with Sonoda accidentally being a good teacher in the end. I like that it didn’t change her, and it was a brief detour on her doomed road. That was sweet. Everything else was terrible!

SATURDAY, FIRST PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT SUIT ACTORS #4



I mean, what more could you say about Takaiwa? Dude defined the Heisei generation of Kamen Rider in a bigger way than literally anyone else. Any one of his suit performances as a main Rider would put him in a hall of fame, and then he did 17 more. No superlative is enough, and no praise would ever be hyperbole. Probably the best to ever do it.

SATURDAY, SECOND PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT AGHS STUDENTS #6



I can’t believe how much effort the producers put into this final installment of the rampantly low-budget and thoroughly absurd Hayami series. We get the gay-panic-y Morota stuff, which is sort of where you’d think this’d stop, but then we get the suit debut of Pisces, along with appearances from Gen, Ryuusei, Kengo, and Yuuki! (I love how committed Ryuusei is to screaming in fury at Morota. Maybe the funniest performer from this cast?) All that, and they even actually tell you who Pisces is at the end! They did not need to go this hard!!!

SATURDAY, THIRD PERIOD: LEARN ABOUT LEGENDARY RIDERS #6



Please enjoy the mysteriously and uncharacteristically silent Wizard, as the actor who’s playing him either hasn’t been cast yet, or he hasn’t had time to record audio for these Net Movies. Either way, I like the bit of melancholy Fourze has about essentially graduating into being a Legendary Rider (or will in just a few weeks), and I love a magic-obsessed Tomoko finally meeting a Kamen Rider she can geek out over. She’s worked hard, and she deserves a Kamen Rider of her own!