[Locke]

Since I liked Rise of Cobra despite the odds, I decided to check out Retaliation and ignore the reviews until I finished the film. Especially as I got my hands on the extended action cut! And man was I glad I gave this movie a chance, it was AWESOME.

Although it kinda blows that one of the only actors to make it from the first movie is Channing Tatum - who dies before even the first half hour mark - we could do worse than gaining the Rock playing Roadblock who makes up for lack of acting talent with natural charisma and Adrianne Palicki playing Lady Jaye - and man do they get the most out of her sex appeal, for better or for worse. We also have Bruce Willis playing a character who never appeared in the animated series, which is where any of my extremely limited GI Joe knowledge comes from. But trust me, whether you know who he is or not, wait until you see this guys house and you'll fall in love with him just like all the rest. It's just a shame we've just got some random douche playing Flint.

The villains are a much better handled bunch. We have Ray Stevenson added to the roster playing an utterly badass, and scarily brutal depiction of Firefly. You also have Byung-hun Lee back as the sexy ninja badass Storm Shadow - who also gets a chance to play both sides of the fence this time and trust me, seeing him and Snake Eyes fight side by side is just as glorious as it sounds! Pryce gets to continue to chew the scenery as Zartan masquerading as the President. They cut Destro out of the movie to save recasting him I suppose. And although Cobra Commander has been recast, thanks to a "cool mask" (says Zartan) and the need for breathing apparatus Cobra Commander could have been played by anyone. I was just unfortunate to look on IMDb to find out he was played by a former Home and Away actor. Jesus.

Like every good action movie should, Retaliation arms our heroes and villains with heaps of ridiculous sci-fi gadgets that defy logic and have no explanations for how they work.

Even when it isn't relying on magical sci-fi mcguffins Jon M. Chu proves to be a surprisingly competent director for someone who has made two Justin Bieber documentaries. He stages his fights well, and showcases some awesome stunts and impressive visceral combat which bleeds style with a budget to match as we leap from epic ninja fights, to huge gun battles, to ridiculous vehicles and heaps and heaps of explosions. Just like the themesong said, the GI Joes take the fight from land, to sea to air!

It certainly helps that it doesn't feel quite so 'trapped by 12a' with violence that turns out to be much more brutal, and much bloodier, than I was expecting. It actually becomes pretty intense at points too as the villains end up getting away with quite a lot overall, considering they end up killing off most of the Joe's and apparently kill everyone in England. Sure it's a cardboard world, full of plastic figurines, but DAMN.

Sadly the 'shit got real' turning point of Duke's death is when the film really starts to go downhill. If you don't engage these action figure skirmishes with a childlike manner of glee and with a tongue in cheek good humour then you start to realise just how disturbing these action set pieces are. But most importantly the movie is way too stupid to be so serious and to take itself so seriously.

Thankfully as the second act kicks into high gear the movie is just way too damn ridiculous to take seriously anyway, and even though it isn't intending it, you'll be laughing your ass off all the same. And those final five minutes or so of wrap up? Easily the corniest ten minutes of 2013. More slow motion!