[XW1n5t0nX]

Okay then. Well all I can say is, nothing. I can't say anything about the story. Why can I not say anything? It dwindles down to one thing. You wrote this to where it's in a mess. An utter mess.

The script format here does not work for you, or even really as the structure to write a story here in the sense that when you look at everything else here, everything is organized and written very much like a book would be almost. You went the route of writing it up like an actual script, which when trying to read it as a piece of fiction here, makes it really hard to do so. You note what's going on, but there's no depth to it. It's a quick sentence and then you just go straight to dialogue. It leaves the end product very confusion to read and it does not hook the reader in, as there's now way to get them engrossed within the story. If you would have written this out in the style you see everybody else here do, you would be fine. Writing in that style lets you be not as confined as you are by the script format since it leaves room to throw in detail that you can't get with what you wrote it as. And this goes not just for what's going on in the scene, but the dialogue itself.

The dialogue itself is alright. Once again though, the script format hurts it to me. Not much else to say there.

Also I have to ask, if this isn't the final version of the product, the product which you are putting out to us to read, why even post it? Why not just keep working on it until you have it exactly perfect to yourself and then show it off? It's better to make people wait while you polish something and finish it up then give them an unclean and unfinished product which you're probably going to change stuff with.