[Locke]

Okay so I played some more Heavy Rain and... THERE ARE GONNA BE SPOILERS AHEAD, SINCE THERE IS NO TAG BUTTON I'M GONNA JUST WRITE THIS IN ALL CAPS RATHER THAN HAVING TO PAINFULLY MANUALLY ADD THE TAGS THANKS.

The first hour of Heavy Rain is pure boredom, I'm sorry, it is. Stories of dead children, and torn apart lives, are engaging on the silver screen because we don't have to clumsily bumble from one action prompt to the next to get the thing moving. By the point where I was helping my distant son with his homework, while cooking pizza for him in the microwave (seriously)...I was ready to turn the game off. Which I did. But at about three in the morning I decided to turn the game back on...AND MY GOD AM I GLAD I DID.

Seriously, in the next hour, it basically becomes an entirely different game, throws logic out of the window and becomes pure AWESOME. In quick succession we take control of three new characters. One is a private detective introduced as having a terrible way with words, Asthma and then you're exploded into a quick time event fight scene that is so 80s action movie silly, and so out of place in such a dour title, you'll be howling like a small child on cherryade. Oh yeah, and the next time we control this guy? You get to talk a gunman out of doing what he is doing, before wrestling the gun from him and beating the shit out of him. HELL TO THE FUCK YEAH.

The next character is...and I'm not kidding...an FBI profiler, with a weird accent that makes his nationality impossible to place, with a scar on his face, who is also a drug addict AND solves cases using futuristic holographic technology, super shades and the fucking power glove. I AM NOT KIDDING.

I have no fucking idea what the hell is going on any more, but it's awesome. And wow this miserably depressing game is silly, like really really bonkers silly.

The truly crowning jumping the shark moment though - and keep in mind probably only about forty five minutes to an hour have passed between making the son pizza to turning your fucking dusty office into an alien planet before reading about dead kids - you take control of the protagonists wife which leads almost immediately into the opportunity for a nude shower scene, in the oddest apartment I have ever seen.

So to refresh, we go from pure boredom, to in the space of about an hour to an hour and a half, asthma warrior private detective saving the day who for some reason thinks this noir game is actually an 80s popcorn flick, to holy shit I'm almost robocop but a drug addict FBI profiler to OH SHIT GLISTENING WET TITS. Am I even playing the same fucking game?!

THIS GAME IS AMAZING.