[Kamen Rider Die]

"KAMEN RIDER KABUTO" - GOD SPEED LOVE



So, here's two positive things.

First, man, the director did an amazing job with this movie. Tons of inventive shots, great use of lighting, the dramatic scenes look properly cinematic and emotional (maybe could've toned down that gauzy filter), the fight scenes have heft, and there's a constant plussing of the material. Can't really knock the visuals in this movie.

Second, there's a point in the beginning where ZECT and Neo-ZECT are facing off in the desert. Kagami pleads with Yamato to spare Oda and the rest of Neo-ZECT, since the real fight is against the Worms. And Yamato agrees. He bows down to Oda, begs him to come back to ZECT, offers to suffer any humiliation. And then Oda just kicks him and says something stupid about freedom (stay positive, stay positive, you'll get a chance to be negative, just finish this last positive paragraph, you can do this) but the conception of Yamato here, I thought, was pretty interesting. I liked that he seemed to be someone who'd jump at the chance to bolster his forces, who didn't let a dispute over ideology stand in the way of defeating a greater enemy. That's a cool idea, even if it's only for part of a scene. That was neat.

The rest of the movie was probably the worst Kamen Rider thing I've ever experienced. It's more awful, for a more sustained time, than anything I've ever seen from this franchise. The only delight it brought me was when I was howling in laughter at certain scenes (everyone humming God Bless America as Hiyori died of Narratively Convenient Illness, while wearing her wedding dress, was definitely in So Bad It's Good territory), as well as the aforementioned directing. It's astonishingly bad, a misfire on every single narrative level.

The most egregious sin is that there's basically nothing from the Kabuto series in this movie. Some suits, sure (hope no one wanted to see Sasword's suit outside of a brief shot from a big battle scene), but none of the themes or characters or warmth or humor or intelligence. Everything in it is at best a pointless deviation, and at worst a fundamental misinterpretation of what worked from the series.

Like, what the hell was this even about? Gone are the themes of humility, of teamwork, of empathy. Instead, there's just this bland nationalism, two men dedicating themselves to saving a weak lady, and every character from the show saying some recognizable catchphrase before dying randomly. Daisuke is a freedom fighter, Hiyori smiles a lot, Kagami doesn't trust Tendou, Tendou is demonstrative and emotional at the drop of a hat, Yaguruma is some stooge, Misaki contributes nothing besides looking great, everything's post-apocalyptic and brutal... why would I want to watch a Kabuto movie that doesn't include anything I love from the TV show? Megumi from Ryuki is in this, and she's as close to her character from that show as the Kabuto actors are in this movie to their show. It's all In Name Only bullshit, up and down the cast.

I mean, the core dramatic tension in this movie is with Tendou being Hiyori's brother, and Kagami being Hiyori's boyfriend. (Hiyori doesn't really have any tension. She exists to be happy, get sick, be sad, and die. She doesn't get to make any choices of her own in this movie. The few times she tries, she's basically guilted into protecting Kagami's ego.) God Speed Love took a series about humility, about self-improvement, about stepping aside when someone else is better suited to solve a problem... and it turned it into some weird thing about secret siblings and chemistry-free romance. (Holy shit, there is nothing between Kagami and Hiyori that looks even vaguely romantic in this movie. I'd've honestly had an easier time believing Kagami and Hiyori were the siblings of that trio.) There was not a single thing from the TV show that I felt was present in this movie.

And, you know, I could forgive that, maybe. It's an AU movie, I'm used to those. Structurally, it's not a million miles away from the Faiz movie. A small band of rebels in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, everyone looks like they shop at Refugee H&M, whatever. It can work. It's not automatically disqualifying.

So of course this movie isn't just Not Kabuto, it's also set entirely within a Stupid Dystopia. The premise of it is ridiculous, in ways that are constantly, inescapably distracting. The asteroid that hits in 1999 vaporizes the world's oceans, creating a brutal hellscape that ZECT rules with an iron fist. (if your government starts handing out half-capes to its soldiers and bureaucrats, congratulations, you now live in a parable about fascism!) Meanwhile, Neo-ZECT wars against ZECT, fighting for freedom.

Except, mostly it just looks like ZECT is keeping a world alive? There is a goddamn operating French restaurant, so it doesn't seem like they're so terrible? And, yes, I am aware that you can simultaneously have a fascist regime and French restaurants, but no one in La Salle seems especially oppressed or downtrodden. In fact, beyond a baffling third-act twist (we'll get to it), we never really see ZECT do anything evil? Neo-ZECT keeps spouting off about freedom and oppression, but ZECT has somehow kept a world with no oceans running for seven years. Neo-ZECT comes off as terrorists and anarchists, with plenty of grievances and no proposed alternatives. I don't... I don't understand what the struggle is between these two factions. I never see ZECT being evil, and I'm not sure what Neo-ZECT is offering as an alternative. It's just a bunch of fighting, and it's about nothing.

That's all cast off (if you will) with a third-act twist: Kagami Outrageous and Goro are bringing a new asteroid to Earth to wipe out what's left of humanity.

WHY. WHY IN THE-- WHY. WHY.

There is literally nothing in the script that explains why they'd spend seven years rebuilding humanity to the point that it could use Clock Up to retrieve an asteroid that'd wipe out everyone and leave the planet to the Worms. ZECT was created to defeat the Worms, and they've spent seven years doing precisely that. If this was their endgame, why not just let the Worms kill everyone seven years ago? What was anything for?

It's a movie that disappoints; constantly, repeatedly, thoroughly. No one does anything that makes any sense. (When Tendou tells Oda he might betray him, Oda's like I Love It You're The Best Tendou.) The golden Rider ends up being just some guy. Hiyori's plot is hollow, miserablism disguised as profundity. It doesn't feel like anyone in the film (outside of siblings) likes each other, cares about each other. There's only one intentional joke that I saw, where Kagami stutters his way through a proposal. Otherwise, it's just a bleak film where anyone you were excited to spend time with dies horribly. And they're mostly meaningless deaths, unheroic in the moment (Oda, Daisuke) or missing enough context to feel integral (Yamato). Whatever fun or warmth there is in the Kabuto series, this movie not only lacks it, it replaces it with maudlin melodrama and pointless deaths.

I hated this movie so much.

A QUESTION

Please remind me of happier times. What's your favorite Kamen Rider movie? (Please, no spoilers if it's from Den-O through Decade or Zi-O up.)