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04-05-2014, 06:09 PM | #1 |
D*mnit Atreyu!!!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: The Seiretei
Posts: 1,870
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Tale #1: The Azure Dragon of The East.
Whilst walking home from school, a young boy named Renji Oshumura stumbles across a legendary kamen rider belt, the Ryuzen Driver, which gives the wearer the power to transform into Kamen Rider Ryuzen and gain the power of the Azure Dragon of The East. He picks it up, & a powerful entity, known only as Ryuga, appears from the belt & asks if he would like to for a spiritual contract with him, the boy agrees. Commerical Break..... Commerical Break Ends. Four years later, Renji is now 24 & is walking home from his job, which is called Koshnei, where he & 3 other riders find & stop monsters know as Gaijinshi, who take the form of monsters fused with evil people from historical events aswell as ones that turn into mythical monsters plus their foot soldiers, the Gujinrai. Renji, activates the Ryuzen Driver, does his henshin pose, & in his cool & calm voice says the famous Kamen Rider transformation phrase "Henshin" the Driver shouts out "Aoi Ryu, SHOWTIME!!!". Renji spots the Gaijinshi, who happens to be in the form of a Behemoth aswell as the behemoth-model Gujinrai. To Be Continued..... Opening Theme Kakusei by Rider Chips Ending Theme Koakuma Heaven by Gackt Also, the setting is present day Japan in the Kanagawa Prefecture, for anyone who'd get curious. I've been wanting to make a fan-fic for awhile. I hope you guys like it . Last edited by KR Blade King Form; 04-05-2014 at 06:11 PM.. |
04-05-2014, 07:36 PM | #2 |
「蝙蝠騎士の魔界<ブラム>」
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Catacombs of Ohio
Posts: 12,794
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Okay then. Well...yeahhhhhhhhhhhh, get ready to call me a dick.
This came off as a complete mess to me. It isn't structured at all in the sense that it doesn't have the typical story structure (a beginning, a middle, and an end). In all honesty, it doesn't even have a story to even give a format to. It also doesn't have a narrative flow in it which ties into the biggest problem with it; it's too short. It's nothing more then a paragraph, and a very short one at that (four sentences long not counting your break). This means that there is pretty much no detail in it and leaves the story as nothing but bare bones. If this was a description of the series and not an episode, then the length would be acceptable. But it's clearly an episode (why else would you number it?). You also have a few grammar mistakes in there in that some words aren't fully spelled out. It's easy to figure out what they are, but it's still something to check over before you post it. We all make mistakes like that every so often when writing and might not even notice them until we've already posted the piece. So it's just something to really pay attention to and look out for when you're getting everything ready. It may take you a while to read over everything and make sure everything is how it should be, but it's better to spend time making sure everything is correct then to just present it with stuff not fixed or correct. I give you points and a round of applause for wanting to contribute your own writing to the forums and actually posting it, but the execution is really bad. It's unfocused, it has zero story which also gives it a lack of structure/narrative flow, it's too short, there aren't any details, and you have a few grammatical spelling mistakes. Overall, it's just an unfocused mess to me. I think it would have benefited more from taking the time to write it out and give it some meat to it's bones and have an actual story and structure/flow to it then just posting it because you have the idea. The best stories take time and effort. It's just an overall bad episode, it's honestly probably the worst bit of writing I've read in this part of the forum.
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04-06-2014, 07:04 AM | #3 |
D*mnit Atreyu!!!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: The Seiretei
Posts: 1,870
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Well, that happened. Any idea at all how I can fix it? As I told Locke already that I was gonna be shit anyways as this is my first fan-fac ever. Also I'm not gonna let this input stop me from improving, all it is, is basically I made a sloppy first episode, but I'll keep improving the more I try. Also it would help if I joined a fan-fic site as this is just a jumble of sentences anyways .
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04-06-2014, 07:09 AM | #4 |
Big Bad Wolf.
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Raiding tombs.
Posts: 9,529
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It's in the detail man, literally put down everything you see. The way the light hits the leaves on the tree, the way those leaves dance in the wind, the way that wind feels across your skin, the way the clothes feel against your skin, the way the ground feels beneath your feet, the colour of that ground etc etc etc
You could easily write an entire chapter just describing your very first location, not that you should do that, being flowery and overwriting is a problem in the other direction but it's up to the writer to give us a doorway into a new world.
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04-06-2014, 07:17 AM | #5 |
D*mnit Atreyu!!!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: The Seiretei
Posts: 1,870
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True, I could more than likely type it up on Notepad cause my handwriting skills are shit .
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04-06-2014, 11:48 AM | #6 |
「蝙蝠騎士の魔界<ブラム>」
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Catacombs of Ohio
Posts: 12,794
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As Locke said, it's in the details. Make the reader become engrossed in your world. To do that, you have to make it come alive, which is done with details. If you just move from one thing to another without any details about it, then you're just doing nothing more then giving an episode synopsis.
But really you can't have any of that unless you have a story. Even if the episode is just filler, it has to have a story. It is what drives the episode along with action.With that story, you have to give the episode structure. Without a story and a structure, you will end up with nothing but a mess. This combined with detail (as well as good action) will give you a good episode. My best advice is two things. The first one would be to talk to some fellow writers who write Kamen Rider stories. Pick their brain and learn their writing process, what they think makes for good writing/a good series, and how they go about things. Basically ask them to sort of teach you. The second bit of advice is the simplest of all; read other works. This way you get to see first hand how people go about their business and can see how structure, story, action, and all of that fun stuff can work and create beautiful pieces of fiction.
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04-06-2014, 02:59 PM | #7 |
D*mnit Atreyu!!!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: The Seiretei
Posts: 1,870
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I already did the second part yesterday, problem is my story was bunched in my head for so long that a good chunk of it stayed in there. I'll probably message you during Easter weekend or summer break cause, you're first story was fucking awesomeness .
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04-06-2014, 03:02 PM | #8 |
「蝙蝠騎士の魔界<ブラム>」
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Catacombs of Ohio
Posts: 12,794
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I'd happily look over your episodes for you if you need any help with stuff. And thank you...though I have no idea what story you're referring to since I have three going on at once
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04-06-2014, 03:10 PM | #9 |
D*mnit Atreyu!!!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: The Seiretei
Posts: 1,870
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The Kamen Rider Daigen one. Also, wha'da think of my choice for the opening & ending theme ?
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04-06-2014, 03:14 PM | #10 |
「蝙蝠騎士の魔界<ブラム>」
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Catacombs of Ohio
Posts: 12,794
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Ehh they're alright. I prefer the original version of Kakusei over the RC one though. The ending is alright to, bit to techno for my personal tastes. I will say though that it is a good idea on the Gackt selectment, as I'm a firm believer in trying to use songs not previously used by Sentai, Kamen Rider, and if possibly anime as your OP and ED themes.
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